Taking The Plunge

Sometime last week, I heard a peer of mine say talks about marriage life and hearing negative things about it makes her fear getting married at all.  

So, I wondered, if my posts of the past two weeks could have attributed to her fear  or if talks she heard from plights of women who are suffering from marital problems or are on the verge of marital breakup.had? Anyway, as usual, I kept the question to myself and reflect over it.

I was born when my parents got separated and was only able to finally meet my father when I was about to start schooling at the age of seven.  Imagine the wariness emanating from a seven-year-old at looking at an unfamiliar face who was supposed to be my father.

I can almost still recall the uncomfortable feeling.  Then while growing up under the same roof with him, often than not, I felt like I was a total stranger to him.  Suffice it to say that my memories of a so-called father and man of the family was not a pleasant one, not to say the least, that growing up in a not-so-normal household would have traumatized many children, especially a young woman, exposed to violence and irresponsible behavior of adults.

As a teenager when having crushes, even boyfriends, is the norm, I lived in worry and wariness around men, for fear that my father would make a cripple out of any young men who might give me attention.  Looking back though, I might have my father to thank for for honing my senses as to what kind of man is ideal with me.  

Men who were not that courageous enough or in love enough went scurrying away without me lifting a finger to shoo them on their way.  Weren’t I sad to have not the chance to even enjoy much of their company?  Well, I was spared of getting my heart broken unnecessarily.

I have read on a book before that children when exposed to violence and traumatic experiences with a parent tend to grow as introverts, even, emotionally crippled.  In some sense, I was indeed an introvert.  

During my teenage years, my father had shown me excessive attention which if he had manifested it when I was still younger, I might had been ecstatic.  This sudden turn of events had caused me a lot of uncomfortable even embarassing experiences that would have incurred phobia and hysterics to other teenagers.  It made me feel odd but thanks to most of  my classmates those years, male and female, they had not made me feel like an alien among their midst.  They still accepted me and helped me make it through those difficult years.

Several more uncomfortable events occurred throughout my college days that would have made many young women cringe at the thought of ever having anything to do with men for fear that they might end with the same kind of man I had to live with for most of my teenage life.

Had I for a single moment thought of not marrying and creating a family of my own because of my bad experiences living with my father?

In all honesty, what I thought and prayed back then was to find a man whom God will grant me, who will accept and love me and my family for whatever he can see and know about our entire story.

When I finally met my husband, while I was looking at him at a distance, a flash of realization just suddenly hit me, and I said to myself, “this is it!  It’s him, the man I am destined to be with.”  More than a year after that, I took the plunge and exchanged vows with him.  

Nineteen years and counting, we are still together.  As I had said in my previous blogs, our marriage life was not an easy road to traverse.  Trials and hardships we both gone through added spice to a marriage meld by time and numerous tests.  But if asked if I regret any of those years with him?  Despite everything, I would say, I am glad I took courage and went beyond my inhibitions and fear, for I could have never chosen a much better man other than my husband.
In making a decision about our own life, we should remember, upon our hands lie the outcome of our actions.  By taking the risk, we might be uncertain of what lies ahead but we are the managers of our own destiny.  It is like driving a car along a cliff, the wheel is tightly grasped in our hands.  It lies upon us to what direction we can go-to safely reach our destination or to careen over the cliff. 

If we aspire something for our life, we need not put shackles around those dreams in fear  of the unknown.  The thrill of the unexpected and the unknowns spikes up the level of interest and makes life more exhilarating.  Life would be redundant and boring if we don’t explore what is out there.  We will never know the thrill of hurtling barriers if we don’t experience obstacles. We will never fully enjoy life if we always shy away from getting out of our protective shells.  

So, the choice is really up to you but why not…


God is With Us!

When it rains, it pours.

This was the quote that immediately came to mind, when I thought of all that has been happening with my family lately.

A month hadn’t pass us yet since we had to face that nerve-wracking operation my daughter had to undergo and now I had to once again submit myself to that proverbial rollercoaster ride, with my heart jammed in my throat.

Having to face situations like this, makes me feel like I am standing on a precipice, facing a cliff with jagged edges of rocks taunting me below, while behind me is a dark cloud formation that unnamed, unknown dangers could spring out suddenly.

In other words, it felt like no matter which way I look, problems and trials surround me.and rhe members of my family.  Am I just experiencing paranoia or am I just overreacting?  

I read somewhere before that our family members would always be our weaknesses, and I totally agree with that.  Over the years, I would always say to myself, I rather prefer to be the one who’s ill than any member of my family.  Yes, and I would still choose that because, at least, I am actually the one suffering.  The pain is first hand and I could take the pain or know how to handle it or myself on such a situation. 

But when the one who is suffering is a loved one, not really knowing how much in pain he is or when I see him gritting his teeth to whatever he must be going through and to spare me from worrying, nevertheless, I get worried the more.  

Various thoughts bombard my senses then.  I had to shield my inner thoughts from being totally corrupted by all the negative thoughts that just come to taunt me like the monsters they are.  

A battle ensuing inside my brains could prove more energy-depleting and stressful than actually battling it out with fists and fangs (as if, I had been in one).  Anyway, with a physical fight, I would probably receive bruises and gashes even, but with the mental one, the pain of worrying over the unknown is more debilitating.

It takes too much effort to just channel my mind on other things that needed my attention. But then, after too much thinking and worrying, realization comes like a light dispersing the dark clouds.

In all the trials and tribulations I had gone through, was there a single one I had not hurdled?  Isn’t being alive and writing now proof enough that I even survived life-threatening events?  In everything that had happened, did God ever ignore or forsake me?

Asking myself those questions and answering them truthfully made me realize that my Father in Heaven loves me a lot!  He has not for a single moment left me by myself.  In all of those terrifying moments, He made sure that I made it through all of them.  He always paved the way for me to find any help I would need whenever I needed it most from surprisingly or unlikely sources.  Time and time again, the Bible passage from Matthew 7:7 was proven true to me.

So, despite being worried for knowing my beloved is sick, I am much more relieved now for I believe God will watch over my loved ones and will help us through these tests.  I know God is with us. 


 

Heavily Laden (Poetry)

When my heart feels this laden heavily,
          To whom do I call?

Not the popular Ghostbusters surely?

          Should I just act cool?

When many things seem ro be uncertain,

          Can’t I do something?

Then I raised my eyes up in the heaven

          The Holy Being

Placed his hands upon my heart…and PEACE reigned.

           

Foolish Me (Poetry)

  • How good the Father is to a sinner like me
  • He keeps me from doing any iniquity 
  • He keeps me safe, secure, away from any harm
  • If only I will believe and keep myself calm.
  • My greatest problem, though, is with this foolish heart
  • Which with fears, worries, doubts is never seemed apart
  • Despite knowing, deep in my heart, my faith is great
  • Yet I always tend to fall in such a sad state.
  • Oh, my dear Father, please keep your patience with me
  • Please get rid of this petty insecurity
  • From my own weaknesses, please save me, have mercy
  • For without you, I’m nothing, that’s a certainty.

Carrying that Heavy Luggage Called Responsibility

Responsibility, to some might be easy

As counting one to three, or climbing a short tree.

But for me, it is like carrying the whole world

Upon my back like the Indian legend of old.

I took each of them to heart, very seriously

For I believe in my heart, that it’s my duty

To fulfill them, for the sake of my family

As well as my contribution to my country.

These responsibilities, in whatever form,

Should be faced with a committed heart, that’s the norm

But sad to say, not everyone is that stalwart

Who can keep up with it with a strong and brave heart.

To those who have the tendency to fall, waver,

I deeply pray your faith remains strong whenever

Self-doubts and weariness suddenly take over

For God is our Refuge, so please do remember.

Dust on a Dry Summer

As I sit here moping, I ask myself how could this be?
My mind’s a mess but I’m the image of serenity

To passing onlookers, how calm and composed I must be

Deep inside,  I’m so torn up it’s nothing but tragedy.

From North to South, from East to West, they all ganged up on me

Trials, hardships, difficulties, they’re all my enemy

They can be so mean, they can be troublesome, they’re so nasty

I look around, no one’s there, I look up, “God, please help me”.

There’s nowhere else I can turn on to, but Lord, only You

Can give me the answer I need, the one I can cling to 

When everything around me seemed to be in great despair

When all my hope have shattered and no one else seemed to care.

Dear Father, upon your hands, I completely surrender

Everything in me, my whole life, anything I hold dear

To guide me, to enlighten me, for You to take over

For without You, I’m nothing but dust on a dry summer.

Finding One’s Self

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Wouldn’t finding Nemo or Dory be easier than finding one’s self? How can one lose one’s self, in the first place? 

Let me share with you a post I made on Facebook on the topic three years ago. Please refer to the link herein. https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10201460406659914&id=1468044218

Many people may at one point or another feel like they are in a maze trying to find their way out but are just bumping into walls whichever way they choose to take.  It doesn’t mean for most of them that they don’t believe in a divine power (although there are some who are easy to believe in aliens than in the presence of God), it’s just that they are momentarily overwhelmed by the trials or hardships they are currently experiencing.

As their friends, family, or acquaintances, we can just give them the support they need.  We can only assure them with well-meaning words or actions that we are there for them, that they are not alone, that even when they are feeling the most frustrated or at a time they feel so lost and no one seems to understand how they really feel, they are never alone for even one moment. They should read the poem, Footprints in the Sand, and understand that in all those times they felt things to be the most difficult and that they felt the most alone, are the times God were carrying them through it all.

Like many other stories with the topic finding something that was lost, like Finding Nemo, in the end, with one’s determination and perseverance, plus a deep faith in divine guidance, the path towards knowing one’s self gets clearer.

Walking inside the maze, bumping into walls for countless times, may prove frustrating but by being more focused and by learning valuable lessons at each wrong turn, ultimately no matter how long it will take, the road out of the maze will present itself. 

Go forward. Be strong. Be positive. Be brave.